Here we go again!  The years keep rolling by in fast succession and each year I find myself at this time of year wondering how many people will be motivated by this “turning of the year” to shine, strive and evolve while others will continue to live habitually, on autopilot or settling for mediocrity – not invested in learning or growing and expanding themselves… maybe thinking that it’s too late to change, possibly hoping to win the lottery in order for their life to be better, or waiting for life to deliver what they seek directly into their lap…. Well, we can wish away and that is what happens, the years pass by and they cannot be relived or retrieved!  This year can be different, REALLY!

I am by no means wanting to sound “negative”, I love the New Year, I love the energy and excitement this time of year can bring…. and I also want to be realistic and provide you with some new perspectives.  If you have started the new year pumped and motivated then lets keep it going and work out a strategy for you to stay motivated and achieving what you have set out to achieve this year.

So what has stood in the way of you making changes and succeeding in all areas of your life?  Sometimes it’s easier to blame external factors, although you are the gateway to the love you seek, the relationship you yearn for and the career you hope for!  Are you ready to make this coming year DIFFERENT!?  It’s in your hands!

A client of mine said to me last week that they were speaking to a friend and she told her that she can happily say that this January 2012 she will not be (and is not) in the same place mentally and emotionally as she was in January of 2011!  This special client of mine has moved mountains – she was committed to facing her challenges, getting real and integrating new mindsets for change.  I am wondering how many of your internal mountains or mind fields have you climbed lately, or have you been settling for ho-hum and shirking away from change and from your very self?

New Years Resolutions are a great idea, although an idea is an idea! I encourage my clients to write goals that they are truly committed to working towards.  Unless you have laser like focus and a determination to face any obstacles that come your way, then most goals will not be achieved.  Why create a list you know you cannot live up to – I would rather my client write down one clear goal rather than five or twenty goals that they cannot keep or are not really invested in.  And a single goal normally contains multiple steps or internal goals that need to take place.  Be honest with yourself and know what you are whole-heartedly committed to actioning.  Most of us are far more capable than we realise!  Keeping up momentum and facing fears and unhelpful beliefs is what makes change take place and many people fall short in this area.  Wanting to change something is different to being COMMITTED to changing something in your life, be it; your health, relationship, career, communication, anger issues, confidence, etc.  You don’t have to do it on your own.  It’s a no brainer. When obstacles show up, having someone to expertly push you along the path makes the difference between… kicking goals or letting what you value/want fall to the wayside!  It’s time to do things DIFFERENTLY!  It’s in your hands!

Most people are fearful of change because it can be an uncomfortable experience.  My question to you is what is more uncomfortable – living with anger, fear, resentment, hurt, lack of passion, unfulfilled dreams or getting out of your own way and taking steady steps towards growth and understanding?  Learning, changing and facing fears can be uncomfortable, you might tumble and fall along the way and from time to time you may feel a little lost, although you are actively and consciously moving, you are learning from your mistakes and successes, you are determined and you are not afraid of what you will find.  You learn that feelings of discomfort is part of life and nothing to be afraid of.  I would rather be uncomfortable learning, growing and actioning steps towards my goals, than stuck in a rut, annoyed with life, depressive or stressed out!  How do you want this year to evolve for you?

I use the following shoe analogy – Wearing new shoes are not always comfortable at first.  You may need to break them in before wearing them for a considerable length of time, you may need a couple of bandaids for support, and then after a little “discomfort” and perseverance and strategic planning you may find that in time the shoes are super comfortable and exactly what you wanted. Life is the same!  For example: Just because you feel uncomfortable trying to communicate more clearly and openly without being angry or passive aggressive, this does not mean that anything is wrong, being more gentle and honest may be new for you and in time this way of being will become comfortable!

Every goal is important, big or small.  Small consistent changes in a particular area of your life can create massive overall change.  Normally when you start making adjustments to one area of your life it crosses over into other areas, a roll on effect, amazing really!

So are you ready to be different, to make 2012 different!  Are you ready to step up, shape up and move up?  Are you ready to improve what needs improving?  Are you ready for laser like focus, determination and drive?   It’s time!

I am excited for you!

Happy New Year to my special people!

With love,
Nadine

Are you in a relationship because you acted on opportunity or is the relationship in alignment with your personal love and relationship VISION?

In business and in all areas of our life we have goals, and along our journey we are presented with many options – options are fantastic, although sometimes what we chose does not support our vision or ultimate relationship and love goals, and sometimes we allow others to choose us or for us.   Of course no matter what we do in life we are always learning along the way, having said that, if what you want is a beautiful loving relationship and you keep finding yourself in a “going nowhere” relationship, then you are most certainly acting on opportunity rather than a conscious vision – or maybe you don’t have a clear vision, therefore you are aimlessly spending months, years or even decades moving either left or right and never quite reaching your love target because there is no target.

By the age of thirty most of us would have had the experience of being in a relationship that we knew had no real legs for longevity and real fulfilment. These kinds of relationships are neither good nor bad, sometimes the relationship is exactly what is needed for a little while, although if your “little while” turns into something long term then it could mean that you may be lacking clarity or possibly bound to someone by fear, complacency and lack of confidence.  How clear and conscious are your relationship decisions?

If I were to run a survey and ask every person to be 100% honest about their desires in the area of life and love (and there have been surveys on this topic), almost every person would say that they would like love in their life, to connect with others and to have an intimate connection with a significant other. Unfortunately, a large percentage of these people will have emotional obstacles and blocks that hinders their ability to engage in long lasting healthy love. It is the undeveloped relationship with themselves that blocks their vision and keeps them in relationships that were merely an option or opportunity. Opportunities are endless, the question is what do you really value, need and want in your life? What kind of connections will support you, and are you conscious enough to realise the difference between acting or engaging in fruitless opportunities vs opportunities that will support your vision.  Relationships are not dissimilar to business decisions or growth – relationships either prosper or they don’t and their success normally takes some skills, resources, support and effort.

My question to you is – Does your relationship support your vision or are you allowing real love and intimacy to slip by you? And what are you doing about it? (these questions also apply to those who are single)

And guess what?  Whilst you are in a relationship that does not support your vision you are taking yourself further away from something special.  Why would you do that?!

Get clear about your relationship vision so that you can experience real love!

For more information on Going Nowhere Relationships then click here to get your copy of my digital book – Healthy You, Healthy Love.

May you experience the joy of Healthy LOVE.

Your friend,
Nadine

How often do you wish that you would NOT do something, yet continue to do so? Or do you often wish your partner or other people in your life would STOP acting, behaving and doing what they do? What may seem to you as easy to change, appears to be a monumental obstacle for others and even yourself!

Everyone is guilty of saying that they will no longer do something and within moments, hours or days you are back doing what you promised yourself you would not. Why is it that so many of us find it difficult to simply stop what we are doing and CHANGE? In fact, many of us actually do make changes, although sometimes we can have a persistent habit that is stubborn and slow to shift!

The reason why you don’t stop is because you are receiving something from the behaviour, albeit unwanted, you continue to do it for a reason, you are getting something that is of benefit to you – also known as a ‘PAYOFF’.   Until you no longer need the PAYOFF these behaviours are unlikely to change any time soon.

For example:

1. If you are a shy person and don’t speak up for yourself then there is a good reason for it – you would most likely have low self-esteem and worth and feel safer keeping quiet rather than risk being ignored, rejected, upsetting someone, not being valued, etc. d. You would most likely perceive being quiet far less painful and less challenging than being open and honest, so in order to avoid discomfort the person remains submissive, withdrawn, suppressed and sometimes internally resentful and angry. The payoff is that when you keep quiet you feel safe, not judged and your self-worth does not get questioned. You may also get attention from it.
2. Maybe you are fearful of being hurt yet you wish you could be more open to connecting and creating more intimacy with your partner. Every time you’re about to see your partner you tell yourself that you’ll be more loving , open and warm, yet once again you clam up and don’t say how you really feel. The PAYOFF is you would rather remain safe and disconnected emotionally and physically from your partner because that way you believe that you cannot get hurt and somehow you think that this is the better way, even though you know it’s actually taking you further away from what you actually want. And maybe your partner expresses that they would like more emotion and connection from you, which may help you to feel in control and protect you from getting hurt.
3. Maybe you are reactive and aggressive in the way you speak to your partner or friends, etc. You sometimes blurt out sharp and cutting words and are not aware of the tone of your voice and how the way you communicate can sever connection, intimacy, love and joy into your life. The PAYOFF could be that as long as you are making the other person wrong you feel better about you. You feel in control. You feel that you are better than them. Until you no longer need to feel this false sense of control and power then it’s unlikely to change. Being right does not make you more of a person. It’s a fruitless game. There are certain areas of life or with your work when getting things “right” is necessary to do your job, although to build healthy and strong relationships this mindset can be very damaging.

The moment you become comfortable with the discomfort that is often associated and required to create change, is the time when you not only change, you can move forwards with leaps and bounds. Discomfort does not mean something is wrong or that a new way of being won’t work, it typically means that you are trying new ways to relate to yourself and others, which does not necessarily come naturally at first.

So if you would like to stop what you’ve been doing then take the lid off and look deeper into you… find out what your payoffs have been and then challenge them so that you no longer need old and distorted beliefs to govern your life.

You can change what you want to change!

Live with real love and connection,
Nadine

For more like this check out my digital book – Healthy You, Healthy LOVE

Is this way of thinking creating trouble in your relationships?

Last week I was out to dinner with a very dynamic person and we had a discussion about how much we filter our thoughts before we express ourselves.  My friend was saying that they believe that you should be able to say and be how ever you want to be and if people do not like it then it’s not your problem!   I agree with this statement and perspective on some level, although if I was to say and download EVERYTHING that comes into my mind then I would no doubt put-my-foot-in-it more than once in a while and create unnecessary issues.

It’s not unusual for me to work with clients who come to me having considerable difficulty in the area of communication and expression that is greatly impacting their relationship(s). My job is to assist them to understand their thoughts and process their internal world before it’s delivered into their outer world.   Once they truly understand themselves on a deeper level they no longer need to express themselves as they have done and often many issues are resolved without necessarily needing to address the issue with others. They learn to discern and filter between what is distorted and what is real and what needs to be addressed and what does not.  In addition, there is also the art of delivery – how we actually express ourselves and the way we say things can make a huge difference as to how this information is received.  This is one of my life lessons, and a great lesson for us all!

If you’re not aware of your insecurities, neediness, anger and distorted ways of thinking and do not have a solid understanding of your emotional triggers then there is little chance that you will be able to dialogue with others in a conducive and healthy manner. You are who you are – that is right, however we ALL have aspects of ourselves that need work.

Saying “I am who I am” and “I will be how I want to be” can be both an empowering mindset and also a limiting and narrow mindset. It you are not willing to grow, evolve and take responsibility for aspects of you that are not helpful then “I am who I am” will keep you in place that’s righteous, closed and resistant to change! On the flip-side if you use this statement in an empowering way it would indicate that you are confident with the way you are.   You know your strengths and weaknesses, you are real and honest with yourself and are willing to show humility and grow.   You are not afraid of who you have become or aspects of you that are not helpful.   You are willing to understand and evolve as necessary.  You are also clear and open to other’s perspectives and opinions, yet you are not easily manipulated.  You are confident and strong.

A person who is connected to their inherent worth and is confident does not need to be right all the time, they can see their flaws and are ready to face their challenges and fears. So what are you…righteous and brittle, unable to adapt to changes, hoping that your neglected arid soil will support your life journey, or are you open to nurturing and cultivating a fertile and healthy soil for longevity, richness and real connection in your life?

So where are you in your life right now? Do you tend to express things in a way that is taking you further away from experiencing real love and quality relationships? Are you too head-strong and closed to grow or are you carrying around unnecessary blame, grief and pain that has created emotional barriers?  Many people are not conscious of what they do.  So I suggest you have an honest and objective (as much as you can be) look at the way you interact and the quality of your relationships.  Would you like enhanced intimacy and connection?

Arrogance and needy behaviour is very different from being confident and strong and showing humility.   And constantly verbalising  everything that comes into your head does not necessarily mean you are communicating or connecting effectively.

In summary, filtering is sometimes necessary and so is being relaxed and natural.  The better you know yourself the easier it is.  Love and understanding blossoms from within you!

My digital book Healthy You, Healthy Love, will give you so many powerful lesson to assist you on your journey.  Check it out here. You will love it!

With much love and support,
Nadine

Breaking up and moving on can be an emotional experience and very recently I had my own uncomfortable experience…

Earlier this year I broke up with a wonderful person, we had a lovely relationship and even though from time to time we had minor challenges we really were blessed with the way we shared, communicated and enjoyed each others company. We wanted similar things in life and we “got” each other.  Unfortunately, much to both of our disappointment, as a couple we lacked spark and zing, which in my opinion is a very crucial part of a loving relationship.   We thought that it may build… and as I tell all of my clients and readers of Healthy You, Healthy Love – don’t be too quick to walk away if all of your desired relationship ingredients are not instantly present as they can certainly develop and it’s good to give it a go and see!

My job is to practice what I preach and I gave the relationship the space and time necessary to grow. I whole-heartedly committed to making our relationship work.  After almost a year we decided to part ways. We agreed that this important ingredient was absent, which would eventually be the death of our relationship and it was best to nip it in the bud sooner rather than later, albeit reluctantly.

We were both saddened with the decision to breakup as we had a very healthy love, and although breaking-up was the appropriate thing to do, we both experienced great loss.   Sometimes loss is not so much about the person, it can be more to do with the attachment to the idea of being in a relationship and to feeling lonely.  In this case, the loss and sadness for me was mostly about him because he is extremely special and I was grieving his beauty and magnificence.

Recently I started seeing someone new and every new person, including myself, brings with them attributes, quirks, personality and character traits that need to be understood and navigated when embarking on a new relationship.  Some people carry with them heavy “baggage” and some not so heavy (not that I am fan of the word “baggage”, although a common terminology and appropriate for this post).  I have not met one person who does not have experiences from their past that have not had an impact on their lives in a one way or another, and you have either dealt with this stuff or you have not.  Many people are not conscious of what they do, why they do what they do, nor how to change it, because they have not made the effort to learn and connect with themselves…

So, when I met this new person he appeared to have minor baggage, however in a short period of time the true weight of the baggage was revealed.  We both decided that until all of his stuff was addressed we would not be able to have a healthy relationship.  As a result of our decision to part ways I had a moment of fear and regret.   Because this person and I did not work out I started thinking about my ex and I missed him, as the problems I had with the new person had not been present in our relationship – there were no ex-wives, ex-girlfriends, pending divorces and settlement, nor various other challenges (which I will keep private).  Our relationship was uncomplicated and I felt a sense of doubt that I would feel the ease we experienced with another person.  I know in my heart that I will, however I had a cerebral moment of  “yikes, what have I done”, “did I make the wrong decision”, “was I hasty or unwise in my choice to move on”, “is zing really that important”?   Who hasn’t done that before?!

This “getting over the ex” situation relates to the image I have used for this post.  I was the fish jumping out of the fish bowl and the other fish represent ex-partners, and I can either jump back in or gracefully move on!  I might be on my own for a little while, however the other option will only delay my vision, which is to enjoy my life, keep things simple and have faith that in time a more fulfilling love will come my way.

The lesson: Relationships end for a reason, and just because you might feel lonely it does not mean that you made a mistake.  This was the first person I had dated since my last relationship and even though it did not work out, this is no reason to pine after the ex or to start contacting them when you know that you are not compatible either. You then end up jumping from one problem to another set of problems.  You end up going around in circles!

My suggestion is to be strong and keep your life uncomplicated.  Be clear about the attributes of your past partners that you loved and ask for these attributes to be present in a new person, a new love.  Use the past for clarity, not for creating more confusion for yourself.

Being single has it’s benefits and when you are confident, and have invested in your healing, then you will be in a powerful and emotionally healthy place to meet a person that is more compatible for you.  It will happen!

For those of you who are single I suggest you have faith in life and know that a very special person is out in the world for you and spending time with ex’s will most likely take you further away from the relationship you truly desire.  Getting over the ex and moving on is the aim here!  Get amongst life, meet new people and engage in fulfilling activities.  You never know when or where you’ll meet that special someone!  Don’t mope around, get off the couch and engage in your life and invest in you!

Note: Of course some people do get back together months or years after they have broken up and can be very happy the next time around.  Sometimes being with someone else can create incredible clarity and being apart and dating others can either confirm why you broke up or it may confirm that you still love them and BOTH parties are wanting to make it work.  However something(s) will need to change for this relationship to be a success, and I suggest you get some real clarity on that.

The stronger the relationship you have with yourself the easier your relationships with others will be!  True love begins with you, from the inside out.

May you live with clarity and love,
Nadine x

Overcoming Rejection in Relationships & Dating

This blog was inspired by a new client who after yet another “failed” dating experience they came to me with overwhelming feelings of loss and rejection.

Let’s face it, no one likes to feel rejected!  No one wants to feel that someone does not like them or that they are undesirable.  However, someone who is sensitive to rejection will view anything that looks and feels like rejection as a monumental blow and a terrible experience, which normally leads to emotional distress inclusive of stress, anxiety and depression.  People who are more solid in themselves with a strong personal foundation will view this situation with a more objective and realistic perspective, such as; the person may not be interested for a myriad of reasons that may or may not have much to do with them:

• Maybe they not compatible
• Maybe the person likes quiet personalities rather than someone who is outgoing, or vice versa
• They may have issues with commitment
• We all are attracted to others for different reasons (be it healthy reasons or not)

You can link dating rejection to business success –  the statistics prove that even the most “successful” people have failed many more times than they have succeeded, which would indicate that they did not give up when their endeavours or goals did not go to plan.  They learnt from their experiences, improved their knowledge and skills if required and picked themselves up and kept going.  So how does this apply to matters of the heart?…

In dating and in love, if you have a fear of rejection or if you feel as though you have been rejected time and time again… then what happens?  You tend to lose your spark and your ability to be open to love and intimacy.  You may think that there’s no love match out there, and you may believe that no one will ever be interested in you.  If you lack confidence then you may also present as withdrawn from others or needy and desperate.  If you can relate to this then I suggest you have a good look at what is happening internally for you.

1. Learn to like, love and appreciate you for who you are.
2. Get to know your strengths and weaknesses and develop what needs to be developed.  If you are a poor communicator then learn to communicate.  If you don’t allow your personality to shine because you are shy and lack confidence then improve your confidence and self-worth.  If you are often controlling or feel angry then work on these things.  Also, develop your strengths and let them shine too.  We all have strengths to shine!
3. Be willing to address past hurts and fears so that when you meet someone special you are ready for a healthy relationship.  A strong and loving relationship starts with the relationship you have with YOU – work on this relationship first!
4. Break down your beliefs associated to your feelings of rejection.  If you have thoughts along the lines of…. you are not good enough, not funny enough, not good-looking or smart enough for love then I highly recommend you work on facing these beliefs head on.  They are unhelpful and will most definitely take you further away from the love you desire.
5. Realise that sometimes it can take time to meet someone that you connect well with and someone that feels the same as you.  Do not let this discourage you.  Soften the need for a relationship, instead be open to it.
6. If you feel as though you are failing or have failed then I suggest you see the experience as FEEDBACK rather than failure.  If think you have failed, then variations of the following thoughts that may also be running inside your head; I am useless, life is going wrong, I am an idiot, no-one cares, etc.  If you focus on feedback you will be open to learning, change, new perspectives and you’ll be far gentler to yourself.
7. If you are single realise that your life is worthwhile with or without a partner.  It would be nice, however you are not defined by another and your life is still great as a single person.  Build a lovely community of people around you.  Your life can be rich and wonderful in so many forms.  Don’t get caught up in a cookie-cutter mentality.  Not everyone will experience the same things in life, neither path is right or wrong or good or bad, we all have different experiences.
8. Have a realistic approach – you may be too fussy or not aware of the things you are doing that may be turning people away.
9. Open up opportunities to meet like-minded people.  Take up some group activities that will help increase you chances of meeting new people.

For those of you feeling heart broken, rejected and lacking self-worth and confidence it’s time to shift your focus, be resilient and learn from your past love, relationship and dating escapades.

Life is too short to be a victim, martyr or to pretend you are okay when you are not, invest in you so that you are able to enjoy your life and live with ease and love!

Click here and sign up for the first four chapters of my ebook Healthy You, healthy LOVE!

Lots of love,
Nadine

Image used – http://www.freedigitalphotos.net/images/view_photog.php?photogid=2026

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